Entry #1
Sometimes missing you makes me
really hate Target
And it sucks to hate Target because Target is
well, pretty awesome.
But it looks identical everywhere in the world
So, the one here looks like the one we used to
shop in for your clothes and stuff…
A parallel universe of which I am
abruptly confronted
of red and white, shiny consumerism.
And it’s like I’m still there with you
except without you
haunted by a mundane shopping experience
that makes me feel where the scars are.
Remember when we wanted to run away?
Hide?
Wear only pastels and preppy clothes
so no one would recognize us?
I wish we had done that.
I wish…
Entry #2
There’s something we used to say all the time
before you left again on Fridays…
In the 4-Runner
on the way to the McDonald’s parking lot
(I kinda hate that parking lot now)
Do you remember it? I think about it sometimes
Okay a lot and it haunts me
in a way I crave to stay
though it hurts right down to the bone
marrow.
It went like this:
Me: “Now remember, if you’re thinking about me, then
I’m thinking about you. Cause’ I’m thinking about
you when?”
You (rolling your eyes): “All the time.”
It’s still true. I need you to know that.
I’m glad I made you repeat it until you
hated it, maybe not me?
I had to write this because
honestly
what’s the freaking point
in a platform unless
I use it to talk to you?
Entry #3
Yesterday… it was Easter so naturally
I thought about Ignite and when we were at church together
How we were alone in the world
No father figure except God
And how the photo booth kinda wrecked us.
It was a hard time and I didn’t know
that you were almost gone.
I keep surrendering the pain
I keep holding on to hope
I keep pretending like not that much time has passed
I keep asking God why and people ask me, “Any word yet?”
I say, “No.” I think people get tired of that and
I get ill with saying it so much.
I’m getting rid of that awful pink sweater
from our Easter photo.
I’ll never delete the photo though.
I prayed for you
to come home.
Entry #4
A colorful quilt
under the green tree canopy
in the front yard, when you were a baby
You were learning to walk
in the summer sunlight, it didn’t take long
until you were running away
those little chubby legs out beyond the bounds
of the safety of the tree…
“Come back,” I’d yell, then
you’d mock me laughing, “come back”
and run away again until I chased you.
It’s not so different now, there’s more
time and distance
more prayers in between.
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